


It's about feeling happy

by IndigoJuly



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Lucy, Multi, Nonbinary Agent Vasquez (Supergirl TV 2015), Nonbinary Alex Danvers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28380084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly
Summary: Lucy thinks Alex and Vasquez are conniving and Maggie knows there’s something conspicuous going on, but all Alex is trying to do is come out.Or, one where Alex learns that gender euphoria is a thing and comes out, again.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 17
Kudos: 68





	It's about feeling happy

**Author's Note:**

> This is a somewhat light coming out fic told from bits of Lucy, Maggie, and then Alex's perspective. I'm a sucker for some hurt/comfort coming out fics (and there's still a tiny little bit of that here), but I just wanted Alex to have something less emotionally draining, you know? 
> 
> Alex and Vasquez are nonbinary, and Vas goes by they/them pronouns. Lucy is genderfluid is also goes by Leon and he/him (thanks to [DisplacedWarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisplacedWarrior/pseuds/DisplacedWarrior) and [NerdsbianHokie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie) for that headcannon!).

_Alex is referred to with she/her pronouns when it’s from Lucy and Maggie’s perspective._

**Lucy**

Alex and Vasquez are colluding. Conspiring. _Conniving_.

At first, Lucy didn’t think anything of it. She’s glad that those two are hanging out. Everyone knows they both need more friends, and while she may not get to take credit for their friendship, she certainly takes credit for introducing them to the Prince of Persia games they are slowly making their way through.

But no, something is up. 

Alex’s eyes will flick over to Vasquez. Alex will go to her office and Vasquez will follow shortly after. They’re being subtle—Vasquez will take the long way there that makes it seem like they’re heading the opposite direction. Lucy only connected the dots after coincidentally catching Vas enter Alex’s office as she rounded the corner into the hallway. A careful stakeout confirmed her suspicions that this wasn’t a one-time thing. 

It’s all very secret and Lucy is concerned.

Since if the two of them are building something like they joked about once at the bar (a ridiculous souped-up version of pool using some newly discovered alien tech), Lucy will be buried in paperwork for the next _month_. 

Danvers generated enough paperwork on her own, Lucy doesn’t need Vas spurring her on.

Lucy has to be careful about how she goes about this, though. Alex _I can pass a lie detector_ _under the pressure of being disappeared_ Danvers has a poker face that rivals her own. She knows that when she and Maggie see past the barriers Alex has placed, it’s out of trust and love for them.

Secret alien pool, though? That is something that Danvers will absolutely hide, unless Lucy approaches this the right way.

First—see if she can weasel anything out of Winn. 

“Agent Schott, my office. I need your signature for my reports on that Coluan.” She measures her voice to be firm enough that he won’t question why she can’t bring the papers down here, but not so clipped that he’ll immediately think it’s a trap. She does enjoy he way he startles and sloshes a bit of coffee on his desk, though.

“Alright, let’s see those reports,” he says after she closes the door to her office.

“That’s not actually why I called you here.”

“Ok… wait—” His eyes widen. “If this is about the space electrosword, I swear I had absolutely nothing to do with that.” What?

Lucy’s eyes narrow and she strides up to him while he cowers. “What is this about the space electrosword?” He’s speechless until she barks out “Agent Schott, I asked you a question.”

“Nothing! There’s nothing to tell. I just—ok ok you can put down that finger! I just snuck down to take a peek? And maybe swing it around a few times? I put it back right away, I swear. There may be minor damage to the ceiling but it wasn’t anything structurally… relevant...”

Lucy can already feel the headache from paperwork coming on. Her friends are going to kill her. 

“Winn, never touch _any_ of those weapons again. Or you will never again be able to swing the replica lightsaber that I know you have.”

She lets it sink in for a minute before continuing. “Now that that’s out of the way, I actually had a different question to ask you. Has Danvers or Vasquez asked you to build anything, research anything, or do anything off the books recently? And remember what I just said.”

“What? Uh, no, nothing recently.” He actually looks mildly thoughtful, not panicked. 

“You’re sure?” She lets him go after his affirmation. 

Well, if Alex and Vas are creating something behind her back, Winn’s not in on it. Unfortunately, that leaves her no closer to unraveling this mystery. And she knows that Vas won’t let something slip so easily.

If Alex and Vas are teaming up on something, so can she.

**Maggie**

Alex fridgets. She gnaws at her pens, bounces her leg, picks at her nails, and pulls at her sleeves.

So it's not the fidgeting itself that tips Maggie off. It's the air of nervousness that’s now surrounding the habits. How she's fidgeting worse when she thinks Lucy and Maggie aren't watching. And the pinched look on her face that she wipes away the moment she realizes they are.

Something is up with Alex, Maggie just doesn't know what. But Maggie _detects_. She would never invade her girlfriend's privacy, but she sure can pick up on all her cues and try to piece together the problem.

One. Alex is anxious about something. The fidgeting and facial expressions tells her as much. 

Two. Alex is hiding whatever is bothering her. Maggie has tried to coax something out of her, but Alex brushes her off every time. Or if she does share something, she’s right back to acting nervous soon after.

Three. Maggie’s still working on the rest. There are other things, but they are scattered and seemingly unrelated. 

It’s at least validating when Lucy comes to her.

“There’s something up with Alex,” Leon starts. They’ve got the apartment to themselves since Alex is at Kara’s place. “I think she and Vasquez are up to something.”

“Up to something? I noticed that Alex was acting weird too, but you think it’s something with Vas?” Maggie might have noticed that they looked at each other with a little more… understanding, but she didn’t want to read into things too much. If Leon thinks there’s something too, then she may not have been imagining it.

“At the DEO, they’re exchanging glances and having these secret meetings. I swear I’m going to kill them if they’re making that alien version of pool or whatever.” Oh. Sounds like Danvers.

“Well, the streets have been pretty quiet lately. Gives Alex and Vas more time to focus on something like that,” Maggie considers.

“Kara owes me for introducing her to that food truck back in Washington. Do you think I can get her to use her x-ray vision to just scan some places?” Leon jokes.

Maggie snorts. Typical of Leon to think about getting Kara to do the dirty work so that he could claim he never snooped in Alex’s stuff (not that he ever would). “Babe, I don’t even know if that counts as Kara owing you. Maybe try to bring it up while you spar. You know how distracted Alex can get from that,” Maggie smirks.

“Alright, stealth before we bring in the big guns. You got it Sawyer. If nothing else, maybe I’ll get a quickie out of it.”

“You already get those.”

_Alex is referred to with they/them pronouns throughout this last section._

**Alex**

The phrase is going to drive them crazy if it doesn't stop. Alex isn't a stranger to earworms, but none of them have ever carried this much weight 

"Alex? You in there?" Lucy pokes their cheek.

"Stop that—" Alex's lunge towards Lucy knocks her back into Maggie and soon they are all laughing on the couch.

But as Alex looks down at Lucy, the words slip back into the forefront of their mind.

"There it is again. What's on your mind, Alex?"

"Just, just another earworm." It's not a lie.

Maggie hums, buried somewhere beneath Lucy. "Which one is it this time?"

"Same as last time, the best Barenaked Ladies song." 

There's movement and a flash of hair and Maggie is sticking her tongue out at Alex's shit-eating grin.

"Get off me Lane, I need to make some calming tea so I can cope with Danver's betrayal."

Maggie makes enough tea for all of them and it’s certainly calming, but the earworm won't stop repeating back at them.

_It's about feeling happy, not just fine._

‘Gender euphoria’ is what Leon called it.

He had explained it one day, after Alex was worried that he wasn't binding because they kicked his side too hard during training. They were apologizing and ready to escort Leon down to medical or back home and check him out themselves, but he gently stopped them.

_Alex, you’re fine. I'm fine. I bind when my chest bothers me, you know that. It’s just that sometimes I'm not very dysphoric about my chest, like today. But I'm still Leon today since sometimes it's not that getting called 'she' hurts all that much, it's just that 'he' feels right in the moment. It’s not all about avoiding what makes me uncomfortable. It's also about me feeling happy, not just fine. And ‘he’ feels good today._

So clearly, Alex has a lot more to learn. But they are nothing if not studious when it comes to the ones they love.

And well, it doesn't hurt that Lucy and Maggie kiss them extra long whenever they get spotted researching trans stuff.

But what starts out as research for Leon turns into research for themselves and oh, it’s like they’re a kid _again_ because this? It coaxes something out inside them that they never realized was there.

Now, they can’t stop thinking about it. And somehow, it’s not any easier this time around. 

Because this time, Maggie’s smile and dimples and head tilt and leather and everything _Maggie_ —isn’t there to convince themselves of this truth. It’s just themselves and this amorphous cloud of feelings about feeling of themself. 

So Alex takes what little experience they have and decides that if having someone else to talk to last time worked, then maybe it will this time. 

The obvious confidants are Maggie, Lucy, and Kara. But with this, there’s something about telling them specifically that makes their heart race and their palms sweat. 

So, Vasquez. Call it getting a second opinion. Ignore that they haven’t told anyone else to even get the first opinion.

It’s a good choice since as they sit in their DEO office, there’s something about Vasquez that just makes Alex want to spill their (thankfully metaphorical) guts out onto the floor. Alex is pretty sure that it’s just a Vasquez thing, at least. They’re not getting _that_ soft yet.

“I just, what if I’m only thinking about this because of Lucy?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. Isn’t that what happened with Maggie? Why is this any different?” Vasquez raises an eyebrow.

“It’s—ok that’s technically right, I just,” Alex narrows their eyes and then sighs. Leans against the desk and tips their head back. 

“And then you realized that it wasn’t really even all about Maggie. She just helped you see what you couldn’t before.”

“But what if I’m making it up?” They say, speaking to the ceiling. There’s a bit of marbling that kind of looks like a dick that they’ll need to take a picture of to send to Lucy at some point.

Vas sighs. They know this line of thinking all too well and refuse to let Alex stay on it. “I know you, Alex. You may jump headfirst into danger to save Kara, but with something like this, you’ll overthink it so much that you’ll second guess everything. Take a step back. Start with seeing how you feel about different labels and pronouns.”

“...You’ll help me?” It’s quiet and vulnerable, and Vasquez can’t be prouder of their friend.

“Of course. I’m not just going to kick you to the side of the road, dumbass.”

Vasquez should moonlight as a therapist or something since they prod Alex into exactly the right headspace where they can walk away with nervousness, not anxiety.

Armed with a mental checklist, they start by imagining people using different pronouns and seeing them differently every moment they can afford to. 

“You seem a little distracted there, Agent Danvers.” Lucy’s eyebrows quirk as they face off in the training room. The way her abs stand out as she moves _does things_ to Alex, but they spot an opening and then Lucy’s back is hitting the mat with a little _oof._

“And yet you’re still the one on her back. You owe me twenty,” they grin. Lucy flexes against the hold for a moment before huffing and going boneless, then letting Alex help her up. Alex thinks they've changed the subject, but a pointed look has them feeling guilty. They know they've been brushing their girlfriends' concerns off. “It’s, well, there’s something. I’m just still thinking through it. I’ll let you and Maggie know soon?”

 _Soon_ arrives after another month of research and introspective morning runs and help from Vasquez. 

It’s the little things, they think. They feel lighter when Vas uses ‘they’ and ‘Al’ and it makes them want to smile. They borrow a binder and sometimes it just looks _right_ when they stand in front of the mirror after Vas scouts out the locker room, especially paired with the new, shorter haircut that Lucy and Maggie practically drooled over. They prefer ‘Agent’ to ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am’’, and feel just as distanced from the words ‘girl’ and ‘woman’ as they do with ‘boy’ and ‘man’. 

Alex catalogues every little instance of euphoria and dysphoria they can and writes it up in a notebook stuck to the underside of their desk, watching the list grow and grow. They bring it to Vas and wish they would just say “Yes, this is enough evidence. You’re nonbinary for sure.” Instead, it’s “I can’t tell you what your gender is, but I think you already know it if you’ve put this whole list together. But at the end of the day, it’s how you feel, not how long of a list you can make.” And that’s close, but that little step of having to claim the label for themselves requires a sort of courage that they’re not sure they have.

They think and worry until it all threatens to spill over, but Vas catches them fast and it’s just glassy eyes and shaky hands.

“You don’t need to do this alone, Al. You have me, but you also have Leon and Maggie.” At Alex’s sigh and fidgets, they push. “They would never judge you for this. Tell them you’re figuring things out. Those two just want you to be happy.”

_It's about feeling happy, not just fine._

And now, by Alex’s estimation of time, it has only taken too long, but they are finally ready. If they don't say something to Lucy and Maggie, they will surely implode.

Still, that doesn't make it easy to say. They’re quietly steeling themselves during a movie night on the couch with the three of them. They fist their hands in their sleeves, working up the courage to say words out loud, yet reconsidering this whole plan at the same time. Because what if they're wrong? What if this feeling disappears later?

Maggie’s soft _Babe?_ from the other end of the couch startles them into the present.

Lucy’s hand comes up to still their bouncing leg. 

The soft touch and the movie still playing in the background soothe Alex. This doesn't have to be a serious conversation. It's just Alex saying they don't think they're a girl. No big deal. Just say it.

"Alex? What's wrong?" Alex's mouth is so dry. "Does this have anything to do with the thing you mentioned before? When we sparred?" Lucy guesses. Alex's silence and refusal to look over at either of them gives it away.

"You can tell us anything." Lucy’s hand squeezes their thigh, reassuring.

They clear their throat. Once, and then again. Pull their sleeves further down over their hands. "I—there's something, something I've been thinking about." Alex didn't cry the first time they came out and refuses to do it this time. "It's something that you, that Luce said." They hear a confused noise from Lucy. "About being happy."

A beat of silence, and then "Hey Al, look at us?" 

Alex inhales, holds it, and looks over to the left as they exhale, willing their shoulders to relax.

"We love you, no matter what." Lucy's eyes are so warm and gentle and _sure_ that Alex has to glance away from the intensity of it. Their lip is starting to hurt from biting it so hard.

"You deserve to be happy," Maggie says, snaking an arm around Lucy to brush Alex's shoulder.

These two can make Alex pour their feelings out too.

"I've been thinking about, or thinking that I? Might be… nonbinary?" 

They wince at their inability to say it without the lift in their voice but it's overshadowed by Maggie saying "We love you" and Lucy asking, "Can we hug you?" And Lucy's reaching out and Maggie's moving to kneel next to them on the couch and they hold up the slowly crumbling pieces of Alex.

"I'm sorry," Alex says once the wave of emotion has passed, trying to discreetly wipe at their eyes.

"There's nothing to apologize for." Maggie bumps her head into Alex’s side when they scoff. "Never, not for something like this."

"You're not mad?"

"Why would we be mad?"

"I just, I feel like it could be… copying?" They dip their head further into Lucy.

Lucy pulls back carefully to look at them, head shaking back and forth. "No no no, Alex, I would _never_ think that. You figuring yourself out is about you, not about me. I want you to be happy, however you are. I'm so, so happy and proud that you told us." 

"You mean that?" Alex asks, voice wavering.

"With all my heart. Maggie and I, we love you so much. You being nonbinary? Or still figuring it out? That just makes us love you more for figuring yourself out and trusting us enough to tell us." 

"Lucy couldn't have said it any better. We love you. Always."

They sit like that for a minute, breathing in each other's arms as Alex's heart slows and they take in how Lucy and Maggie are still here, still here with them.

"Do you want to use different pronouns? Or a different name?" Maggie asks. "It's ok if you haven't thought about it though."

"Um, I like Alex right now? I've been trying out they/them and I think I like those. But I—I'm not ready to come out to more people just yet." Alex admits.

"There's no pressure, it'll just be for us."

"Ok, yeah, ok. Vasquez is the only other one that knows."

Lucy chuckles softly and clarifies before Alex can get the wrong idea. "You know, I went to Vas when I was figuring out my gender, too. They're pretty great, huh?"

That gets a little laugh out of Alex. "I bugged them so much, looking back on it. I was so nervous. To tell you both." They look down again, flexing their fingers into the spaces of Lucy’s spine.

"I get it," Lucy whispers. "It's hard. But we mean it when we're here for you, for anything."

Alex hums in quiet agreement. 

_It's about feeling happy, not just fine._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trans but not nonbinary or genderfluid, so I'll gladly take suggestions for improving those aspects!


End file.
